Spoilers: season 5 ep.4
Warning: Character deaths, drug use, minor-minor thoughts of suicide
beta: oldwillow_brook OH WHAT WILL BECOME OF ME WITHOUT YOU?!
"Nothing matters, in the world made of matter- if we live it alone
Nothing matters in the world made of matters- if our lovers are dead and condoned
to hell, to limbo-to a place where we can't go to
Nothing matters in the world made of matter- if we are alone"
Castiel becomes Dean’s companion for the following year- at first both of them think it is temporary, and due to the sudden lack of companionship they both experience- but slowly like a drop of ink in water, the tension diffuses and the situation becomes more solid.
Castiel is next to Dean- and Dean knows as much about Castiel as Castiel knows as much about Dean, as much as Sam knew Dean.
It’s been a year and a half and Castiel and Dean are still on the run from Angels and Demons.
Dean says no and he keeps on telling them no, and deep inside Castiel feels a rush of pride for his charge that he shouldn’t have felt if he was indeed a powerful angel of the Lord.
Then Sam says yes- and Castiel not only feels a heartbreaking pain he should not have felt for Dean, but pain surging through his body, lightening bolts bursting through his skin.
And like that, he's cut off- all alone-
But Dean takes him into his arms, into his life and makes him feel that there is still something to hold on to.
He is still alive; in a different sense, but still alive- and still with a purpose.
Making Dean feel loved, he never felt powerless through it all.
A month later Dean and Castiel make love - and Castiel smiles his first true smile.
“Don’t stop smiling like that.” Dean says as they lay in bed in another cheap motel room- but it didn’t matter to Castiel where they were as long as he was with Dean every moment was heaven, “Don’t stop smiling like that- when I’m down and nearly dyin’ I want you to smile- want that to be the last thing I see.”
Castiel wants to tell Dean to have faith and that good things will happen… but Castiel is human now- and he can’t picture this ending well in any way.
But it doesn’t matter what Castiel feels, because Dean said nothing mattered as long as he kept smiling.
Four months later Croatoan virus spreads like wildfire-
Chuck is found two days later saying he had one final vision-
“I saw us… there,” Castiel watches Chuck say as if he was a leaf being shaken by the stormy winds.
“Is that where we find the colt?” Dean asks.
“I… I don’t know…I… but they told me. The angels told me- that this would be the last vision I will ever have,” Chuck says as Dean gives a glance to Castiel who also has a worried look in his eyes.
“Last vision huh?” Dean says as he breaks his glance from Castiel and looks down at the floor, deep in thought.
“They… are retreating…” Castiel says slowly, softly voicing the thought that was racing through all three of their minds.
Dean and Chuck look at the former angel swallowing the thought of an all ending- scenario.
“Well, fuck em’ we can do this” Dean says with confidence, with passion and Castiel looks at Dean and swears he can see the holy halo of God’s grace shine behind Dean, and Castiel believes him.
Castiel has faith in him, as always-
When they find the camp in Chuck’s vision, Dean pulls Castiel into an empty cabin and they make a frantic frenzy love- full of hope and a vision of victory. They smile into their kisses even though their touches are slightly more bitter and sad.
Castiel smiles when Dean wakes up in his arms, both of them lying on the floor of the wooden cabin and Dean smiles back. Despite the fact that everything was literally going to hell, Dean smiled back-
Castiel still felt he had a job to do, he still could accomplish something- Dean’s smile was proof of that.
Nothing was impossible, and if it was it didn’t matter.
Five months pass- and Bobby dies.
Bobby is murdered.
Not by something supernatural, but by humans.
Humans who lived in town who were coaxed by the horseman; Strife- who whispered into the men’s ears about a evil man who lived at the edge of town who brought the deadly disease into their homes- killed their families, to turn their loved ones to Croats-
When Dean and Castiel arrive- Bobby’s body is already colder than ice.
Castiel watched Dean storm from the house- and didn’t need to ask what and where he was going.
He came back to Bobby’s three days later, covered with blood from head to toe, an old familiar haunting look in Dean’s eyes.
Like when he had gone to hell and back- the memories of torture fresh in his mind.
Dean and several other hunters gather to burn Bobby’s body and pay their respects. Castiel stands next to Dean letting Dean lean a little close as the flames embrace Bobby’s body.
“Where will we go now, Dean?” Castiel asks as Dean paces slowly in Bobby’s living room, holding his father’s diary in his hands. Dean stares at the leather booklet and then looks up at the former angel.
“We do what we have to do-“ Dean says as he walks towards the mantel and pulls out a lose slate, “Bobby used to put money here for us if we ever run short and he wasn’t here…” Dean says then places the leather bound in the empty slot and closes the slate shut.
Dean’s emerald eyes look at Castiel; He knows- Dean has given up the faith he had in himself.
Castiel stands silently, support for Dean, as he screams out to the sky for six days straight.
But on the seventh day, Dean stops; Castiel feels the horrific bitterness in the biblical irony of it all. He ignores it, takes Dean into his embrace as he cries, sobs, begs, and screams in his arms.
That was the last Castiel time Dean showed any emotion other than self-hate. Making love wasn’t making love anymore- it was just sex, plain old fucking- to relieve the pain and stress.
But even though there was no love in Dean’s touch anymore- Cas still gave a small smile and he would remember the Dean that existed before all hell had broke lose.
Castiel feels it everyday though- his effect on Dean’s life wearing thinner and thinner- no longer hearing Dean’s laughs or cocky jokes in the most inappropriate times- Castiel was beginning to feel lost.
Dean tortures his first demon.
He wants answers- he needs answers.
“Draw it” Dean says as he hands Castiel the chalk. Castiel’s eyes go round.
“Draw it, Cas. The devil’s trap that held Alistair,” and Castiel begs Dean not to do this- that there is another way- but Rufus had died today, with Jo and Ellen the previous week and Dean’s heart has grown hard and cold.
“Now the magicians so worked with their enchantments to bring forth lice, but they could not. So there were lice on man and beast. Then the magicians said to Pharaoh, This is the finger of God. But Pharaoh's heart grew hard, and he did not heed them, just as the LORD had said.”
Castiel draws the devils trap with shaking fingers and tears falling from his face. He sobs as he writes the sigils. Silent streams are flowing down his face as Dean brings the demon in and a trolley full of ‘things he might need’.
“Go outside, Cas” Dean says as he wipes tears on Castiel’s face, and Castiel grabs Dean’s hand.
“Please… please God please Dean… don’t…”
“Its okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“No it won’t, Dean! Please!”
“I don’t want to do this either, but I have to,”
“If you do this- I will guarantee that I will not like the man that comes out”
“Yeah… me too,”
Castiel takes blood-covered Dean into their room that night and bathes him.
“I… think I’m broken, Dean.” Castiel says to his lover, friend and only companion. Dean looks at Castiel from where he lays in the red watered tub.
They don’t talk but stare at each other’s eyes for the longest time in years- actually look at each other in the eye.
“Did I break you?” Dean asks quietly, But Castiel forces a smile he knows doesn’t reach his eyes.
Smiles because he has too, but it hurts his face and without himself knowing tears fall down again.
Dean takes his wet hand and frames Castiel’s face, leans and kisses him softly.
They sleep in each other’s embrace- no sex that night, just the warmth of each other’s weight.
They pretend Dean was still capable of emotions.
Pretending Dean was still human.
Dean moves out of the cabin the next day.
Dean no longer confides in Castiel. Dean only speaks about the next mission and the next course of plan, like a captain to a solider.
Castiel feels dead inside.
“You’re the former angel right?” a young woman asks. A survivor.
“Can… can you teach us?”
“Teach you what?”
“The word of God. The ways of hope and redemption,” The girl says as she draws into his personal space and Castiel can feel the warmth of her body.
Castiel wants to scoff and laugh at her, but her body is soft and tempting.
At first it starts off as an honest to God (no pun intended) bible study.
Words of hope- words of redemption-
The symbols of parables and the everlasting life of Christ.
“You’re a preacher now?” Dean asks him as he passes by. Castiel smiles, he’s trained himself to smile around Dean.
“Is that the label I have now? Preacher?”
“Then I guess I am…”
Castiel doesn’t believe the words he lectures, but it gives people hope, that one day a new survivor will bring pot into their small gathering.
He passes the joint around and everyone takes a hit. The blunt is passed on to Castiel; he stares at the small rolled cigarette and studies everyone’s reaction.
They are smiling. Happy almost.
So Castiel takes a hit; and it is amazing! Its similar to the visions of revelations- bright lights streaming down, movement of color and sound.
He laughs with the others and giggles and feels so much more pleasure of the flesh-
He feels so alive!
So Castiel keeps taking it- but then they run out of pot, but hey! Someone finds vicodin, then some more- something else- something stronger-
Dean finds out Castiel has an addiction after Castiel disappears off into a store during a mission. Dean finds Castiel rummaging through the archaic pharmacy of Target, stuffing his sack with anything he can find.
“What the hell are you doing!?”
Castiel smiles as he’s pushed against the wall with his collar in Dean’s grip.
“What does it look like Dean-O? Hmm?”
“What the hell, are you high?!”
“Oh? You’ve noticed have you, Deanie boy?”
“This whole time you’ve been high?!” There is anger in Dean’s voice. Castiel detects it, and pushes Dean off.
“Like you care! Like you care what I’m doing, Winchester! You don’t care! You don’t care about anybody!”
“Christ… this whole time you’ve been…” Dean sags his shoulders and rubs his face with his hand and looks at Castiel with pain in his eyes, “I thought you were happier without me. Preachin’ and stuff, I thought- I thought…”
Castiel rushes into Dean’s embrace, it’s been so long- in those arms…
“No! I can’t be happy without you Dean! Never! Please Dean don’t leave! I’ll die! I’ll die if I do! Everyone left me! Left me here to die! Don’t let me die Dean! Everyone! Anael and Cassiel! And- and- and- even Raphael left me! Don’t Dean! Please! Please!”
Castiel doesn’t remember much after that- but he remembers Dean yelling at Castiel to even out his breathes- to slow his breathing.
Castiel wake up in his cabin in his bed. On the side table he sees his bag opened and full of small orange bottles.
“So what… you’re a druggie now?”
“Thought I was the preacher,”
“More like a damn 60’s guru.”
“Does it matter what I am? What I’m labeled? What I’m titled as? I’m still useless to you. We’re all going to die anyways,”
“So what, you’ve given up now? You’re so broken; you’re so lost that you’ve given up on everything? God? Me?”
Castiel looks at Dean and gives another senseless smile.
“Never you, Dean” Castiel says then pops another white pill into his mouth as if it was candy, “but what does it matter? Nothing matters anymore when you’re flyin’ high~”
When Castiel is not high he sits on his bed for hours at a time.
Dean no longer ignores him- he comes to check on Castiel at least once a day.
Dean caught Castiel once looking down at a knife and looking at it as if it was his best friend in the world.
Dean takes the knife away from Castiel’s hands and slowly draws the blade across his own hand.
“If you want to die, you die after me. You hear?”
“So you can be selfish to the end, Dean?”
Dean doesn’t say anything, instead he hands Castiel what he could find for him during his latest mission trip.
“Do you ever want to stop?” Dean asks as he hands Castiel the orange bottle full of pills. Castiel looks at Dean’s hands which are now over his and says,
“It helps me smile-“
“Do they help? Does it work?”
“No… not really… but it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t, doesn’t it?”
Castiel looks at this new Dean, and even without his angelic powers he can see- that this is not his Dean.
No this past Dean has no coldness in his eyes and his lips set in a smirk instead of a scowl.
He misses this Dean.
“What are you some hippie now?”
Oh, Castiel misses this Dean. The Dean who still has amusement and vibrancy in his eyes.
A Dean still human and alive.
“You stopped trying to label me a long time ago, Dean.” Castiel says and laughs an empty cold laugh when Dean tells him to ‘strap his angel wings’
“Oh, Dean- I would but um… No dice” he says the effects of his last hit coursing through his body still strong
“What are you, high?!”
Castiel ignores the shock in this Dean’s eyes- because it didn’t matter if this Dean cared- his doesn’t.
And that’s what mattered, didn’t it…
His Dean glares at him and Castiel shrugs- he can’t feel to be bothered, he’s high on 300 milligrams of vicodin.
“What? I like past Dean,” and he sees his Dean flinch in a microscopic manner only he could pick up.
His Dean pours Castiel another drink. Past Dean and Risa are packing things in the car.
“You mean that?”
“What? Missing old Dean?” Castiel asks without wasting time and swallows down the liquor, “Yes…” Castiel said. Then looking into his Dean’s eyes, mustering up the most sober look he can make.
“He’s the version of Dean that I fell in love with…” Dean now looks at Castiel’s blue eyes- it’s been too long for both of them- this solid eye connection.
“But I still love you- because I love whoever and whatever you become, so I guess it doesn’t matter if I miss that Dean or not. Wouldn’t you say?” Castiel asks with an amused smile and a challenge in his eyes; Dean just stares and nods.
“I guess- after tomorrow, I guess nothing will matter much anymore,” Dean says as he pours himself another drink and knocks it down.
They are silent as the sit next to each other.
“Smile for me?” Dean asks, but Castiel can only muster up a small sad one-
“Sorry… but I don’t think I can…”
“Where’s the other you?” Risa asks.
“He was zapped out to his time line,” Dean says but Castiel can tell he’s lying just like he knew that this Dean was lying about the second story window, but its okay, because the other Dean will go back to the past soon.
He looks at this Dean and studies his eyes filled with morose and even more self-hate than what Castiel has ever seen before.
The others start moving forwards, but Castiel reaches for Dean and hold him back.
This is it. Castiel knows it. This is where Castiel is going to die, and he cannot leave Dean with such heaviness in his heart.
He cannot leave without telling Dean he loves him one last time.
It’s been a while- this feeling- this heavenly presence of peace and grace in his heart- he feels warm and calm for the first time in a long time.
“I forgive you, Dean” Castiel says making Dean’s eyes wider than he’s ever seen them and Castiel smiles- as his memories are flooded with the good and treasured times of the past.
“I forgive you- and please… know I love you,” Castiel says as he presses a kiss on Dean’s shocked face.
“I don’t think I can be the last thing you see when you die, but I hope… I hope this smile is enough-“
“Cas-“ Castiel can tell words of apology, and heartache is not too far after his name.
“Shh… its okay…” Castiel kisses Dean a little harder this time, “I still love you-“
Castiel smiles for Dean – its not forced though- because he knows this life, this version of their lives won’t be happening.
Because he believes in Dean. past Dean, his Dean, the Dean he had faith in, will go back to the past and make the right choices-
Castiel walks towards the group of people making their way towards the building, he turns around one more time as Dean watches him walk away-
Castiel smiles for the last time- for this version of his life won’t be coming true, this nightmare won't matter.